The Waitress Commits Suicide
by mooncycle
Summary: The waitress is involved in a car wreck, and the gang decides to keep Charlie from finding out. Meanwhile, Dennis and Mac make a new "Project Badass" video.


Philadelphia, PA

11:06 AM

On a Monday

 _Dennis and Mac are at the bar, drinking a beer. Frank is in office. Charlie is in basement bashing rats with the spiked bat he got as a surprise gift._

Dennis

Shut up, Mac, why do you keep throwing that in my face?

Mac

I'm just saying that you married Maureen. You intended on being with her for life.

Dennis

Yeah, OK, how many women have you dated, homo?

Mac

I am straight as an arrow bro, I banged your mom!

 _Dee walks in front door._

Dee:

Hey-oh! I got a girls' day out with Artemis. Going to see _Thundergun 2._ I hear they used a stand in for the dong shot this time, but still worth watching, I think.

Dennis

She used you to get back at Frank, dude. It doesn't get more pathetic than that.

Dee

You guys?

Mac

Shut up, bird. ( _pointing at Dennis_ ) She still banged me, dude. Maureen was a just another notch in the belt. Marriage was just a way for you to get in her pants. I mean didn't you record the two of you having sex?

Dennis

Ugh, don't remind me. That was one of the tapes I forgot to destroy. Maureen would've rated me five stars, for sure.

Mac

Well, now you're just kidding yourself.

Dennis

I am not... I am a five star man!

 _Dee's phone rings._

Dee

Hang on, guys.

Mac

Dee, we are trying to have a conversation.

Dee

Eat shit, Mac. ( _answering phone, it is Artemis_ ) Hello?

 _Dee sits at an empty booth. Charlie walks in, still holding the bat._

Charlie

Alright, that should take care of the rats for the next couple hours.

Mac

Hey, Charlie, can you help us settle something?

Charlie

Oh sure, is it about bird law again? I could tell you a lot about rats, too, and I have an idea that might get rid of them once and for all.

Dennis

Why do you think we keep you around, Charlie? You're certainly the best at killing small rodents.

Mac

You're and expert, dude.

Charlie

C'mon, man, we're colleagues here at Paddy's. I mean, shares, aside...

Mac

Not this again.

Charlie

I'm just saying, I don't mind doing all the "Charlie work", but I'm more than just the janitor. I'm a business owner, entrepreneur, I wrote a musical, and I'm courting the waitress. I got a lot going on for me, so I deserve mutual respect. I'm so sick of having to bring this up all the time, because I've got lots to do... and what if I was saying the same shit to you Dennis or Mac...and I think that you're both assholes, a-and, you know what, nevermind, what's the disagreement?

Dennis

( _Looks toward Mac, Dennis is lightly amused_ ) "Courting" the waitress. That's interesting.

Mac

We're trying to figure out if Dennis ever really cared for Maureen, or if he was just marrying her to divorce her as soon as he got laid.

Dennis

 _You're_ trying to figure that out, Mac. I told you, she means nothing to me and I just got caught up in the moment, because sometimes, inevitably, I fall prey to my own charm.

Charlie

Well, this brings up a good point, Dennis. Why did you marry Maureen on the same day you reunited? I mean, at least Frank and I knew each other awhile. I've courted the waitress for years, so it won't be weird or surprising when I propose again and she says yes.

Mac

Actually, that would be very surprising.

Dennis

( _chuckles_ ) Yeah, it's more likely she'd kill herself.

Charlie

Screw you, man, I'm out of here. I'm going to see the waitress. She gets off soon. ( _Puts bat behind bar and leaves through from door. Dennis picks up the bat as soon as Charlie is gone._ )

Dennis

I forgot how well we made this, man.

Mac

Yeah, we used the right amount of nails and chains. This thing is bad ass, dude! Hey, I wonder if I could make a Project Badass video of me taking a few hits to the chest.

Dennis

That is genius, bro. Get the camera.

Mac

Badass time! ( _starts to get up from stool_ )

Dee

( _Walks up while Mac is standing)_ You guys, Artemis just called. You won't believe this, but Charlie won't be seeing the waitress today. He'll probably be over this obsession for good soon.

Mac

I don't think that will ever happen.

Dennis

Yeah, what could possibly make Charlie give up on the waitress?

TITLE

 _THE WAITRESS COMMITS SUICIDE._

 _Dee, Dennis, Mac and Frank are in office. Frank is seated behind desk._

Dee

So Artemis told me she O'D-ed on prescription pills.

Mac

On purpose?

Dee

Not sure. Apparently, she's off the wagon again. She and Artemis started palling around and the waitress was able to handle the drinking for awhile, then she took ecstasy one night and that was it. She was on anti-depressives, and took too many.

Frank

Anti-depressive meds? For what?

Dennis

Well, I assume it comes from working as a waitress, which is a very thankless job. She's been stalked by Charlie for years, and her other romantic relationships haven't been too great. I mean, she's obsessed with me for some reason. I still don't get what Charlie sees in her.

Mac

She's forgettable, that's for sure. Would you believe she wouldn't bang me?

Dee

Yeah, I believe that, Mac. Hey, you guys remember that asshole Brad Fisher? He was engaged to the waitress and then to me and he just dumped us before the wedding. Thank God Charlie gave him the box of hornets. The whole thing was just devastating to me.

Frank

Now hold on. Charlie has approached this girl in what some consider socially unacceptable ways, but he has a right to pursue that happiness! If he finds out she's dead, he'll go insane. He talks to me about the waitress a lot. It's poetic. He would never hurt her, but he might blame himself and others for this happening.

Mac

Oh, I think I get it.

Dee

Good, because it sounded like Frank just said that stalking's OK.

Dennis

You just wish you had a stalker, bird.

Mac

What Frank's saying is that Charlie may go postal on this place, on all of us!

Frank

Right, and her dying, by suicide, no less, is going to make it worse than if she was just getting married. He might make a jihad tape for real this time!

Dennis

I do believe Charlie might be that crazy.

Dee

Well, she's not dead yet, technically. She's in a coma at the hospital. She may or may not make it.

Frank

Well that's a little better. OK, I'm going to call Charlie and take him under the bridge. Duncan and the guys will help get his mind off things.

Mac

You gonna put acid in his beer again?

Frank

Probably.

Dee

I'm going to meet Artemis.

Frank

Good. See what you can find out. The sooner the waitress is better, the sooner we can get back to normal.

 _Mac and Dennis begin their work on the new Project Badass video. They are in the alley behind the bar._

Mac

Usually Charlie tapes these, but this should be fun.

Dennis

Yup, this bat should make quite the interesting video. You're not concerned about the dried up rat blood, or all this dirt on the...

Mac

Makes it more badass.

Dennis

Ah, yeah that makes sense.

Mac

OK, I'm thinking I'll wear the motorcycle helmet. You bash me a few times. See, it won't hurt that with the helmet on.

Dennis

Right. Now after that I was thinking one hit to the leg, then a big one right in the chest. ( _He motions accordingly)_ Oh, and why don't you wear that duster?

Mac

Dude! You are a genius. This is why we're best friends.

Dennis

Well, let's just see how this goes.

Mac

OK, start rolling.

Dennis

You're on.

VIDEO

Mac

Hello, Philadelphia. I'm Mac and this is another installment of Project Badass! Behold, the spiked bat. I will take hits to the head, leg and torso. 1... 2... 3... Badass...

 _Dennis runs in frame and whacks Mac in the head. Mac falls over._

 _Mac_

What the fuck, dude?

Dennis

Now that was badass, dude!

Mac

Just hit me the other places really quick. Maybe it won't hurt as much...

 _As Mac is finishing his sentence, Dennis strikes Mac's right leg and chest, respectively._

END OF VIDEO

Dennis

That was incredible! Whoa! You think you can do it one more time? ( _Mac is lying unconscious on the ground._ ) Mac?

 _Dennis kicks Mac's body. No movement._

Dennis

Oh... shit.

 _Dee and Artemis walk into a hospital room. The waitress is lying in the bed unconscious. The second bed is empty._

Artemis

Well, there she is.

Dee

Oh my god, she looks terrible!

Artemis

She has been cuh-razy since we've been hanging out. It's awesome. I got a video of her flashing a school bus if you want to see it.

Dee

Ew, gross. What did the doctor say?

Artemis

I'm not giving you his number, bitch!

Dee

God damn it, I meant about her.

Artemis

We won't really know until the blood test comes back. Or the autopsy, whichever comes first.

Dee

She's only in a drug induced coma.

Artemis

I probably shouldn't have let her drive.

Dee

You let her drive when she was on ecstasy and drunk?

Artemis

We both were.

Dee

And let me guess, she flashed the school bus while driving high.

Artemis

So? I do that all the time!

Dee

I don't need to know any more about that, we just have to keep Charlie from finding out about this.

Artemis

Yeah, she would not shut up about him. She thinks he's responsible for ruining her whole life.

 _Dennis runs in, sweaty and out of breath._

Dennis

Oh good, there you are.

Dee

What are you doing here?

Dennis

Dee, I'm in deep shit.

Dee

You couldn't just call? You ran all the way here?

Dennis

No, I rode here in Mac's ambulance. Now Frank and Charlie are on the way.

Dee

Wait a minute, what happened?

 _As she is speaking, Mac is rolled in on a gurney. He is bandaged on his head, torso and right leg._

Dee

You seriously couldn't wait until the waitress killed herself before you made that dumb video?

Dennis

Don't knock the video, Dee, I watched it while I was waiting for the ambulance. It is a masterwork, but Mac's performance was less than Oscar worthy.

Dee

What the hell are you talking about? There are two people in a coma now! ( _Pauses, looks at both beds, then speaks slowly to emphasize situation)_ Mac and the waitress are in the same room. ( _Now speaking near frantic_ ) Charlie's going to burn this hospital to the ground once he locks everyone inside!

Dennis

Mac might try to kill me when he wakes up, and now I'm going to burn to death? Dee, you bitch!

Artemis

Hold on, I think I have an idea.

 _Next scene shows waitress with Mac's bandages covering her face and poorly covering other body parts; Mac is only in hospital robe, bruised and scratched all over._

Dennis

This might work.

Dee

Nice work on the face, there, Artemis. If I didn't know it was the waitress, I would never guess.

 _Charlie and Frank walk in. Charlie looks at the waitress' bed._

Charlie

Hey-oh! What happened to this guy?

 _Dee and Dennis look at each other surprised and somewhat satisfied._

Dee

Uh, she, I mean he was um...

Artemis

Hit by a car.

Charlie

Well that sucks. Oh, there's Mac. He gonna be OK?

Dennis

Yeah, yes. He will make a full recovery at, uh, some point in the future. Um, Dee, Frank, Artemis, why don't we all meet back at the bar. We should get a call when Mac knits back together.

Charlie

Oh, yeah, a beer sounds good.

Frank

Always sounds good, Charlie.

Artemis

You guys gonna let me come around more often?

Frank

 _(To Artemis)_ You did that already in the Wendy's bathroom.

Others

Eww! Sick! You guys!

 _The five leave the room and reconvene at Paddy's._

 _Mac wakes up in his room, rebandaged properly. He is able to sit up, but is sore._

Mac

( _Grunts_ ) Damn it, Dennis. Now I have to take badass sabbatical.

Waitress

Mac? Is that you? ( _pulls partition curtain back_ )

Mac

Waitress? What are doing here?

Waitress

Damn it, why can't you people remember my name?

Mac

Oh, don't worry about it. That's how we know you.

Waitress

( _Scoffs and rolls eyes_ ) I just woke up about three hours ago. They thought I overdosed, but I'm just adjusting to my new medication. Now they're trying to put me in rehab, not just for drugs, they think I'm a pedophile because I flashed a school bus! It was hot and I was only taking my top off to drive in my camisole, then one of my boobs popped out. Artemis has probably been exaggerating about, as usual.

Mac

So our friends just left us here unconscious and injured, while they're probably back at Paddy's getting wasted and don't even care about our health.

Waitress

Why do you associate with those assholes? Charlie stalks me, Dennis and Dee are twin nightmares, and Frank is a gross pervert.

Mac

I see your point. They do sort of treat me and each other like shit. Well, I'm not one to betray friends, but this does call for revenge most cold... I've got an idea.

 _Some time later, Mac and the Waitress pull up to Paddy's in a taxi._

Mac

OK, wait here. It's show time.

Waitress

Just be quick. I don't want anyone to know I'm here.

Mac

Roger that!

 _Mac gets out of taxi. Scene shows bar interior. Dennis is behind bar, Dee, Charlie and Frank are seated at bar. Artemis is not there._

Frank

So you have a way to get rid of the rats forever?

Charlie

Yeah, it mostly involves milksteak bait and poison. I lay out the traps and then I would release a few cats the next day to get rid of the stragglers, you know. The day after that, the cats are all psychotic from the poison, so I'll just get a dog to chase them out, then one more poison spray and the bat works from there.

Dennis

You may be on to something.

Dee

You are the king of the rats.

 _Mac walks in front door. He has a wrapped gift box in hand._

Mac

Hey-oh! What's going on jabronies?

Dee

Glad you're back!

Frank

Great to see you, Mac!

Charlie

Hey, fellow jabrony!

Dennis

( _Stands and walks to him_ ) Mac, dude, I want to say how regretful I am about what happened.

Mac

Dennis, you're my best friend and always will be. In fact, I got you a little something to show no hard feelings. You'll all love this, believe me.

Dennis

Aw, Mac, it's the least you can do.

Mac

Um, right. Well... anyway, I'm off to the apartment. Those meds the hospital gave me are making me kind of sleepy.

Dennis

Oh, sure man. We'll see you tomorrow.

Mac

Later, guys!

Frank

See ya, Mac! Bring some of your meds tomorrow!

 _The gang bids him good night. Mac exits the bar, going back to the taxi._

Charlie

That's really nice of him.

Dee

Um-hmm!

Dennis

Say what you want about Mac, but he's got a heart of gold.

Frank

Open it up, Dennis. What is it?

 _Mac is now back in the taxi with the waitress._

Waitress

Driver, drop him off where he wants and take me to the airport.

Mac

So you're really leaving Philly?

Waitress

My life is pretty much shit here. Maybe without Charlie everywhere I can get something done with my life.

Mac

Where you going?

Waitress

Not sure yet. I'm going to visit some family upstate then, who knows? Oh, what was in that box you had?

Mac

Hm? Oh yeah! Do you remember what Charlie did to Brad Fisher after he dumped you?

 _The waitress' eyes widen. She looks forward in shock._

CREDITS


End file.
